Good news, I improved on a personal record today. I got shitcanned from a job quicker than I've ever been shitcanned from a job before! One day shy of two months. It took me being in the best shape of my life to reach this lofty goal, it was no easy feat. There are so many people for me to thank, where do I begin?
I'd like to start by giving a shout out to the L train. L train, thank you for consistently sending five trains towards Canarsie before sending one into Manhattan. Of course by that point, only four people out of the 300 now amassed on the platform could fit onto that train. Getting me into work at 9:08, four trains later on a regular basis really put me in good stead with my new employers right off the bat.
While we're here, a hearty thanks to my new (now ex) employers. Your warm welcome and clearly stated expectations really set the tone for my outstanding sales career with your organization. Putting me in the corner next to the 64 year old lifer was a stroke of genius. What better way for me to learn key products and corporate culture then to expose me to the sound of Methuselah's hacking cough and "positive" attitude? Jack effing Welch couldn't run a company better than you guys, congratulations!
I certainly can't forget my old friend, Grey Goose. Oh, Goose, without you where would I be? Oh yeah, probably still employed. Oh, I kid. I thank Grey Goose for seeing me through so many cold winter nights (and early mornings). If not for your comforting effect I would have woken up on time and clear-headed, ready for another fantastic day in corporate America. Clearly you recognize this is no way to approach a bright new day, thanks for consistently sending me on my way under the "fog of war."
And where would I be without Dave's Place - Top of the Line, the friendly Puerto Rican bar directly under my bedroom? Karaoke night on Wednesdays you say?! I'm there! Well, not really "there." More like 10 feet above "there" in ideal position to absorb as much bass as humanly possible. Dave, I know it's necessary to play your diverse and interesting salsa music at Spinal Tap levels for all four of your loyal customers, really I do. And when Fabiola sings "Summer Lovin'" for the fourth time that night, sheesh, how can a tennant properly thank his landlord for that little gift from above (or, in this case, below)?
Oh shit, the music's starting, wait... um, oh yeah. Last, but certainly not least, I need to thank myself for having the incredible foresight to turn down an additional $20K from another prospective employer to take this last job. It's forward thinking like this that lead to the invention of Betamax.
I know I've set the bar high. To even dream about breaking this record I'll have to dig deep. But with my dedication, my commitment, my undying effort to improve, I'm confident I can do better. And do better I will, this you can trust. Just let me grab my Goose and soda at Dave's Place, I think I've got next song.
